Shock! Horror! Nudity hits Tower Hamlets

RULE: Guests are required to wear robe and footwear in all public areas. Bathing costumes are to be worn at all times in all areas.

The management of Hall York London Spa is very pleased to have eliminated all elements of nudity and nakedness within our establishment. (Except maybe, when people are changing out of their street clothes and into our compulsory uniforms, but don't worry, we are working on that problem!).

So you can imagine how pissed off we were to discover that blatant nudity is alive and well in Tower Hamlets. Those evil anarchists at the British Heart Foundation have put up some enormous posters exposing a picture of a man who has probably recently gone swimming in the sea NAKED. This is disgusting - the human body is a vile thing and something to be ashamed about. (That's why we want everyone to wrap up). And as for this "30 a day" promotion campaign - it suggests things like walking up stairs and getting off the bus one stop early to get exercise. Where is the profit margin in that? How can we be expected to line our pockets if the British Heart Foundation is going about giving out free information on how to get healthy without our expensive "health plan". It won't do, we must make up some more rules and ban it!

MORE RULES: Silence! or be afraid, be very afraid!

Guests are required to wear robe and footwear in all public areas. Bathing costumes are to be worn at all times in all areas.

Despite the wonderful contributions from Borat Sagdiyev and George Galloway (see below) patrons to the Spa York Hall London remain confused as to what is appropriate attire in the sauna and spa area. The management of London Hall York Spa are proud to announce that we have secured the services of another esteemed statesman - Mr Bean - to model the type of bathing costumes which will provide the necessary sort of coverage within the thermal experience.


Please keep voice levels to a minimum level to preserve the sense of tranquillilililillity.

Our model, Mr Bean, remains absolutely silent and is indicative of the sort of guest who we will welcome in the York London Hall Spa. Common and garden eastenders and working class Cockneys with raised voices will not be made welcome (Why the hell do you think we set the tarrifs so high?)

Throw the Jew down the well!

Guests are required to wear robe and footwear in all public areas. Bathing costumes are to be worn at all times in all areas.

Borat Sagdiyev is Kazakhstani television's top media personality and the creator of "Borat's Guide To Britain". He is happy to model - on behalf of the management of York Hall Spa London - the recommended attire for mixed sessions at the Spa. Sadly, in this photograph he has chosen to ignore the rule that footwear MUST be worn in all public areas! This, of course, includes the showers and plunge pool. For this misdemeanor he will be severely punished.

Treatments will only be provided by GLL trained therapists, or qualified third parties who are in possession of an appropriate license and insurance.

Schmeissing was a part of the traditional culture of York Hall baths and took place in open spaces. Schmeissing ("striking") was originally performed in Yiddish communities in eastern Europe with birch twigs or eucalyptus leaves. The abrasive raffia brush used in York Hall (until refurbishment) was a traditional East End Jewish practice. Our model, Borat Sagdiyev, has set a fine example in his treatment of the Jews, releasing such songs as Throw the Jew down the well! and even attending the Holocaust Denial Conference.

We, the management of York Hall Spa London, are happy to be banning (and thus contributing towards the destruction of) the Jewish practice of Schmeissing and are thus proud of our association with Borat Sagdiyev.

George Galloway in York Hall "cover up" shock horror!

Guests are required to wear robe and footwear in all public areas. Bathing costumes are to be worn at all times in all areas.

There seems to have been some confusion over precisely what level of coverage will be required in the sauna and steam rooms at the spa London York Hall. We asked local MP George Galloway to kindly model the sort of "cover up" we will require at York Hall. (Not a wise choice perhaps. George is rather good at exposing cover-ups, isn't he!)

Relaxation and tranquilllllllllllllillllllity is at the heart of spa LONDON. Knowing what is expected of guests and staff will contribute to your experience.

The RULES will help to achieve this aim.